I Do It All!

“I do everything at home. If you asked my husband, he’d probably say the same thing. What do we do?” A psychologist specializing in relationships addresses this age-old complaint.

The workload issue causes a lot of concern and many arguments, whether people are married, living together or just roommates. The simple answer is: Communicate and compromise about the work that needs to be done inside and outside the home. But if it was that simple, so many people wouldn’t be asking this common question. This is one of those easier-said-than done answers. But there are answers.

First: Remove the Obstacles

Before talking about how to fix the problem, it’s important to take a look at some major obstacles that get in the way of effective communication and compromise.

Obstacle 1: Fighting is our norm

For some couples, the issue of who works harder is just one more thing to fight about. Those couples seem committed to having something to be angry with one another about. Before you can begin to find a solution, you have to be truly committed to having a relationship where arguing isn’t the norm.

Obstacle 2: Money buys a get-out-of-work pass

One major pitfall for many couples is the belief that whoever makes the most money should do less around the house. When the person earning the most money uses that as an excuse for not doing his or her share around the house, there can be no fair solution, because the one who earns less is usually not in a position to get employment that will match or exceed the other person’s income. Perhaps one partner is a “stay-at-home” parent. If that is the case, the partner who works outside of the home must recognize that the reason he or she is free to go to work without having to hire anyone to care for the children and the home is because the other partner is willing to give up outside employment to contribute a very valuable service to the family. So recognizing and respecting each person’s contribution is an important first step. As a couple, you must be able to do this before you can ever hope to resolve the work load problem.

Obstacle 3: Men’s work. Women’s work

Another issue can be stereotyping the chore. For example, cooking and doing dishes is women’s work, or cutting the grass and changing the oil is men’s work. Couples who are committed to solving problems will decide who does what based on their skills, not their gender.

Obstacle 4: I want it my way

Another problem that I hear frequently from couples is, “He (she) doesn’t do it right”; “He doesn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher right”; or “She doesn’t get the oil changed often enough.” The solution is to have an agreement that if the task is on your to-do list then you get to decide how to do it. However, it must be done in a timely manner, and it must be done before the home, car or other important possession is damaged. Sometimes, if you can’t agree as a couple on when and how to do something, the person who feels strongly about how it gets done might want to put that task on his or her list.