Not all friends are good for our health. Some friendships are full of soap opera-worthy jealousy, competitiveness and backstabbing—and they can be agonizing and destructive.
In fact, researchers have found that being around people for whom you have mixed feelings is more stressful than being with people you know you dislike.
How do you rid yourself of unhealthy friendships?
It’s not easy, says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships.
“Women have trouble ‘ditching’ a toxic friend. They make excuses—the friend was there during a tough time or she’s a childhood friend, or it would be too disruptive socially to cut ties,” says Barash. “So, they tend to ‘ice’ the friend, rather than have a confrontation.”
Being direct and asking for space is the best tactic, according to Elizabeth Lombardo, psychologist, physical therapist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness.
First, she says, you must “prioritize your health over not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings. If you are physically or emotionally sick, not only does that hurt you but also everyone else in your life. So do it for them, as well as yourself. Then, be assertive (rather than aggressive or passive aggressive) without criticizing. Say something like ‘I cannot go out with you tonight. When we go out, I always seem to end up drinking much more than I want to. I am really focusing on being healthier. I’m sure you can understand.’”
Robin Fischman, a New York-based health coach, extricated herself from a difficult relationship when she found “the friendship was costing more than it was giving. I didn’t feel as though I could be myself and something as simple as lunch was a lot of effort and left me feeling unfulfilled.”
She gradually cut back on how often she saw the friend, and finally had a conversation with the person letting her know she didn’t feel the friendship was good for her.
“That served as a divide…from there I was really able to distance myself and move on without that person in my life,” says Fischman. “As a result, I felt much healthier mentally and physically. It left a lot more room for me to be myself.”
Ready to confront a toxic friend?
Read Using the Assertiveness Ladder for tips on how to get your point across.
Did you know that making pals can actually improve your health? Read Friendship: You Can't Live Without It to learn about the health benefits of friendship.
